Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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