So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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