I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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