At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
