Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
