Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
