You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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