my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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