my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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