he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
false alarm. still invincible.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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