i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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