Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
The police scanner is talking about you again....
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize
