I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
