Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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