I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
