We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
