my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
