he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Randomize
