ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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