I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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