i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
