It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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