Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
