you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
