doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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