so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
