I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
