Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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