i just sent this text using only my big toe
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
