i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
