so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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