What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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