just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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