I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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