Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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