you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
