he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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