Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
