we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
