If that was your dad, he is hot
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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