I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
