i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
