I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
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