my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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