I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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