New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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