I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
