some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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