remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
