I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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