it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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