oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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